The Guy Behind the Screen

Is this really it?  Is this really the last night of freshman year?  The last night I’ll spend staring up at these springs?  It’s a weird feeling knowing that tomorrow this room will return to the empty space it was nine months ago.  It’ll no longer be my room.  It will just be a place of memory.  A memory of movie nights.  A memory of late night talks.  A memory of friendship.  After tonight everything changes.  I don’t really know how or when, but I know things will change.  I know next year won’t be the same.  Sure, we can lie and convince ourselves that we’re all going to talk and hang out and act like we always did.  That these three months back home and with friends will just be a little blurp in our friendship.  Nothing too drastic will change.  But of course things will.  The amount that we’re gone is about as long as our first semester here.  As long as our time spent together until we returned home.  If we changed then, why won’t we change now?  I know we’re going back to the familiar and that it should be a little comforting.  There is nothing different, therefore nothing for us to adapt to.  But that doesn’t mean we’re going to return here the same people.  It doesn’t mean we will like each other any more than we do now.  And I know that also doesn’t mean we’ll like each other less, but how much do we really like each other now?  How do we know?  Now’s the time to change things, and I know they will be changed.  I just don’t know how I’ll handle it.  I want to stay in this room.  I want to come back to these same four walls with the same lay out and posters on the wall with the same people and the same events, but it won’t happen.  What will be lost by the move?  I can’t help but think that this is the end of college as I know it.  Next year will bring new environments, new people, and new experiences.  We’re allowing ourselves to change and I’m afraid I won’t like it.  This year may not have been perfect, but it was nice.  It was the change I needed to grow as a person.  But I’m not ready to leave.  I haven’t had enough time with the way things are now.  Even though it’s been a year and I’ve felt every day, I’m just not ready to move forward.  I haven’t had the time to digest things as they are this minute.  Why are we already moving to the next?  

This wasn’t what I expected.  I didn’t think it’d be so hard.  I get too attached to things, it’s a flaw.  As annoying and self centered as you are, it was still fun spending the year together.  I don’t want to spend the next week here alone, without a roommate.  Without someone to talk to.  This empty room is more a jail cell than when you’re here.  I don’t even know what to say because it’s all just overwhelming.  This feeling of loneliness.  Of regret.  It’s hard to describe.  All I know is that laying here with the room half clean is driving me insane.  I’m ready to pack up and get out.  I need to leave, its not safe.  I need to go back home to my friends.  The sad thing is I don’t think its even hit me yet.  This year is over.  I’m never returning to this room.  This was it.  Things will never be the same, and I have everything to lose.  I hope I get used to this process.  It wasn’t so bad when the people you were leaving were six minutes away.  Six hours away is a different story.  You never really know if you’re thought of.  If they think you’re worth it.  Or if you’re just fooling yourself and you’re just as replaceable as the others.  No matter what I want to believe I think it’s out of sight, out of mind.

I don’t know where we’re gunna end up next year.  I don’t know how much I can really take of you.  You say that maybe some people aren’t worth keeping.  That sometimes, someone’s negative impact can be too much, that holding on to them is stupid.  That I just should just leave those people behind.  I think you’re one of them.  You just aren’t a good person.  There are moments that you seem like one.  You really seem to care for the happiness of others.  But you don’t.  You’re self absorbed.  You only care about things that can help you.  You are the epitome of self-centered.  Yes, I like our conversations and I like the outcomes of our friendship, but I don’t like who I am around you.  How I think.  You’re toxic.  Whenever I’m around you my head cannot stay on one topic.  I’m just bombarded with thoughts about so many things, mostly negative, and it’s not healthy.  Isn’t it obvious by the fact I’m mostly down when you’re around.  I wasn’t as bad as I am now when you were occupied with other things.  When I could escape you.  Now there’s no escape and I’m feeling the walls closing in.  I’m feeling my sanity slip.  The worst part is I don’t know whether it’ll be any better if you’re gone.  If I’m pushing you away for no reason.  Maybe it’s just me.  I’ve finally been overtaken by my negativity and I’m just using you as a scapegoat.  Maybe this will cause the disintegration of a friendship that I needed.  That without you I’ll lose it and you’re actually what’s keeping me sane.  I can’t think about it anymore.  It’s just that I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m having that feeling that maybe I should stop something before it stops itself.  This way I can blame myself and know its my fault instead of always thinking about it.  Give it a sense of closure.  Why must I always feel the need to bale? Why don’t I want to stop it?

I’m glad you did what you did.  As terrible as it may be, it really opened my eyes.  Who was I to think I actually had someone to talk to.  We all need to be put in our place I guess.  I’m just the listening ear.  That’s all I’ll ever be.  I just need to realize that.  You think you can trust someone, but you can’t.  No one really deserves it.  No matter how long you wait and no matter how well you think you know the person, you never know them enough.  They’re still just waiting for their time to rip you down. Use what they have against you to hurt you and just leave you out to dry.  You never really mattered to them.  Face it.  You’ve made a mistake, and that’s life.  Take this as a lesson.  Think you know someone?  You don’t.  Think you should open up?  You shouldn’t.  Think you can trust someone?  You can’t.  It’s all just a facade that you trick yourself into.  They don’t really care about you.  They’re only there to look out for themselves.  To have someone they can talk to.  You’re just being used. From now on don’t follow your “feelings.”  Your heart has only failed you.  Just follow your head.  It’s the only thing looking out for you and the only thing that’ll stay with you when everyone else leaves.  Hearts may tear and break, but your mind will always be there yelling at you for your mistakes.  Just be proud you didn’t say all you could have.  You kept some things to yourself.  Yes, maybe what you said ended up backfiring in some sense, but there’s no preventing that.  Just be happy they weren’t given the information to destroy you.  You’re only as strong as the wall you build up- so keep it strong.  Keep those things that may be killing you to yourself.  It’s better to harm yourself than to have those you think you can trust do it for you.  At least this way you know when it’ll hit.  So here’s my return to Tumblr.  The only place I’ve been able to say most of what I feel without feeling ashamed of it.  The only place that won’t use what I say against me.  The only place my thoughts belong.

How does Facebook know everyone you either no longer talk to or would rather not talk to, but still want to at times, and always manage to put them on your online contacts and sidebar in “Friends’ photos.”  It’s just aggravating.  You’d think they could use this knowledge to help you and prevent them from being shoved in your face unless you wanted to willingly creep on them yourself.